Valuation of money

I do not value money in any significant capacity, while my friend retains some valuation of money enough to pursue minimal, solitary money-making endeavours.

My valuation of money generally followed a smooth downward trajectory, with no particular stand-out events in memory marking a stage of losing this feature, aside from one.

There was one instance at age 15 when, exclusively within the context of a school peer’s friendship, I had appropriated aspects of his own strong interest in money and rich lifestyles and humour surrounding this, which I shared with him. This did not survive for long outside this friendship.

At age 16, I stated, ‘I much hate modern capitalism. It’s all about stupidity, how stupid can you make consumers. … When they’re talking about business studies, it’s a load of rubbish: blah blah advertising, niche market, gap in the market. … reinforcing stupidity.’ I stated that an ideal society would be ‘without money’ and that it would be ‘a gift economy, not even barter.’

At age 17, in response to my friend explaining how he planned to get a job and a place to live, I stated, ‘Why not go to a field and dig an expansive burrow? I want to do that. It just has a grass trapdoor. All it takes is a bit of digging, zero money, but it’s probably illegal.’

At age 16, my friend mentioned the YouTuber LeafyIsHere and asked, ‘Don’t you wish you were as successful?’ I replied, ‘I don’t consider him successful.‘ My friend replied, ‘He is. He makes 500k a year, and he looks 16. … He is successful in capitalist terms, but don’t you wish you made that money?’ I replied, ‘I don’t wish for money. I just wish for certain things.’

At age 16, my friend stated, ‘You could be a multimillionaire if you put all of your brain to something revolutionary, so I understand why [your family say you learn useless things].’ In response, I derided money and stated that I was ‘already revolutionary’ because I ‘question money and the foundational systems that the world relies on.’

At age 18, my friend stated:

‘That’s the problem with capitalism. The money system is stupid. Every single country is in debt, and printing machines can just print out willy-nilly. When everyone is in debt to each other, they could just print out loads of money secretly and write it off, which just renders the whole printing-money system rubbish.

But what is money, seriously? Money only becomes relevant to consumers, but money is actual rubbish. That’s why it should be abolished, and people should work and get physical rewards such as food and fief.’

I replied, ‘That’s why I did not stand for money. It’s worthless.‘

At age 18, my friend stated, ‘I hate money. I hate fame.’

At age 19, I stated, ‘I remember I once was left alone in a room with this singer I was filming for my dad once [who is a musician], and she struck up a conversation about me and my career and asked about jobs, and I said that I find jobs like café jobs undignified, and I could tell instantly that she was offended, and she rebutted by saying, “Well, I think they’re actually quite dignified”, implying it’s dignified to get a job early and earn money.’

At age 19, I stated:

‘You know what? I’ve recently gained a new reason against charities: cancer researchers and whatever don’t need more money; they need researchers, people who know their shit and could actually do something.’ My friend replied, ‘Yes. It shouldn’t be about money. Money is not progression.’

I continued, ‘I know a certain bit about tumour antigens, certain genes that are expressed in tumour cells, which can then be targeted by immunotherapy, programming the antibodies to recognise such antigens.

But in theory, since cancer’s genetics is fucked up in all manner of ways, antibodies should be able to be trained to recognise all the common aberrations in tumours. Immunotherapy cured two children of leukaemia.^[1][2] It’s the future for cancer, I know that for certain. You’ll start hearing a lot more about it.’

At age 19, I stated:

‘The job world is just scary, no support like in school, and school was necessary by law. This has to be my own initiative, which is why I don’t know where to start. What job would cater to my needs?’ My friend replied, ‘Yes. It sounds dismal. I can see into your situation now. I can’t see myself knowing what to do, but why would you want to die?’

I replied, ‘I don’t, but I can only see myself withering away at this rate.’ My friend replied, ‘Aren’t you already?’ I replied, ‘Yes. I’m waiting for something to come along, something that wants me, some employer, because I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m looking for. No job description is clear enough. It doesn’t say if they’ll cater to people with my needs. It doesn’t say if they want my skills, knowledge in my areas.’

I continued, ‘It’s all nonsense, waffle. That’s what it is, vague waffle. I never know exactly who I’ll be around; that information is not provided, making it impossible to apply, and if I mess it up, it’s plain shunning and firing, obviously, lost opportunity in an instant, so it’s impossible to know where to start.’

My friend replied, ‘You’d also have to use public keyboards and work in a team and socialise over coffee.’ I replied, ‘I’d obviously be looking for something that doesn’t involve that. I can safeguard against [the keyboard] with gloves or tissues. I can’t safeguard against the other stuff if I am forced to do it. There will be mess-ups, inevitably.’

I continued, ‘My behaviour will likely lead to my job loss if I’m forced into those situations, so I have to know if I will be. I have to know every detail, and employers just won’t provide that. They don’t cater.’

My friend replied, ‘They won’t be understanding to your condition.’ I replied, ‘Exactly. They’ll see it as a burden, something to waste extra time and effort on. That’s why I need someone or something to come along that’s looking for my exact skills.’

I continued, ‘I need to be in academia or something, but instead, I’m surrounded by café jobs. It’s sickening, and my grades prevent me from achieving those top jobs. I’m fucked, hate thinking about it.’

My friend replied, ‘Correct. The only place where your knowledge would be useful is at a university and writing research articles, pioneering.’

At age 19, I stated:

‘It’s like my life situation after education: nothing to look forward to, nothing progressing, just stuck.’ My friend replied, ‘Same. I’m just in a state of nothing. I don’t know why I’m still going. I’m just continuing on in the vague hope there will be something in the future, what things are keeping me going, but absolutely no inkling of what it is.’

I replied, ‘Yes, me too. I know there are things [keeping me going], but I’m trying to pinpoint what they are. If there’s something I can work towards and see visible progress of everyday, I can be happy, but currently, I have nothing to work towards.

I don’t even like thinking about the rest of 2018. It just looks bleak. I hate it. I only want to think of now.’ My friend replied, ‘I look into the future: I see nothing.’ I replied, ‘Me too.’ My friend continued, ‘… but pointlessness and death.’ I replied, ‘I don’t even see myself past 2019. I see myself dead, exactly.‘

I continued, ‘Also, I want to shower and brush my teeth less and less, because there’s no purpose, nothing to live for.’ My friend replied, ‘Actually, I went 3 days without.’ I replied, ‘Yes. I don’t forget. I consciously don’t. I could, but I can’t be arsed.’

My friend replied, ‘What is going to happen to you? I don’t have depression, something else, just lack of motivation.’ I replied, ‘I’m just distracted all the time. It’s me seeing what others think, studying that instead. … But it doesn’t matter if I can’t share it with anyone.’

My friend replied, ‘Right now, there’s nothing but only that hope that something may crop up, though I have no idea if it will or not, so I don’t have clear motivation, only hypothetical, and it isn’t as strong. That’s why I’m losing direction.’

I replied, ‘Yes, but that was the case during college and school. Now, it’s a cliff-edge. School and college was what kept convincing you you were going to have a future, and it was about choosing which one. … It’s very awkward, though; I am able to identify the barriers and identify what I want, but it doesn’t matter if none of that’s in my hands.

It’s one thing to know what you want to do, but jobs aren’t that. Jobs aren’t a free choice. Jobs are what people want from you. I have things I can do and want to do, but they will never exactly match a job description.

It’s about whether the people want my skills. That’s where I’m lost. I have no idea how to approach finding a job where the people want my skills. Most of them will probably never take me, due to my grades, and then there’s my anxiety that they won’t want to have to deal with. It’s just a dead end.’

My friend replied, ‘Well, I’m not interested in you dying young.’ I replied, ‘Nor me. It’s never something you want to happen; it’s something you feel will be left to happen, because you can’t succeed in anything you want; you are prohibited.’

My friend replied, ‘If you aren’t going to research, then I’ll have to assume your position.’ I replied, ‘Well, we work in tandem. I’ve picked up German from you, and you’ve picked up world knowledge from me. I’m sure that will continue, whatever interests we have.’

My friend replied, ‘Sometimes, I just revel in the awareness rather than knowledge. I’m in a completely different world to the people around me. They don’t have a clue. They’re all philandering and laughing, and I’m standing there like a statue.’

I replied, ‘Exactly. I need to forget that I don’t have a future and just live in the moment of now, talking to you.’ My friend replied, ‘Yes, but I see death like that. I just need to forget it’s going to happen. It’s a disgusting, looming thing, so we just forget about it and think about the present.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘It still blows my mind how perplexed my dad was that I didn’t care about computers or other luxuries as long as I had food. They don’t seem to realise that fact, how that’s what it appears to me. That’s how I see the situation.’

My friend replied, ‘I haven’t reached that point yet, and I don’t understand; you would care about not having a computer.’ I replied, ‘He just made that up. I have enough money for the next 3 years, at least, probably, to repair any fault with my computer.’

I continued, ‘It’s the fact I consider myself not able to go out and get a job myself or go out at all. It’s that fact which paints the picture of how bad I see that path being. It is that bad. Going out is that bad to me, because of my life experience and knowledge.

It has been shown to me that I am at huge risk of suffering greatly if I go out and do things on my own in this town, much, much more suffering than the current situation, much more suffering than simply not having a working piano or car insurance or whatever odd luxury they want to bait me with.

And I have enough money for the computer. I know how to weigh things up based on the evidence I’ve been given. I’d rather not have those things than attempt to go out on my own, here especially.

That’s what they cannot wrap their head around. That’s the root of almost all the disagreements. I’d rather be whittled down to just food, computer and Internet connection than go out on my own. I don’t care about the other family members; I don’t care about other luxuries like a piano or car insurance or faster Internet if it means I’ll have those 3 things over having to go out on my own.

When they infected me with the flu, it dipped the bar lower temporarily, to a point where I’d consider going out myself, but the fact is, I don’t have the flu constantly. I didn’t have any infection, in fact, for 2 years straight, and that circumstance is still better than going out to me. Even if they did indeed bring the flu to me, if I were in a flu state constantly in this house, I’d be out immediately, no question.

Like I said to them in the audio, if they both died, I’d go and get a job, because if I didn’t, I’d die, but right now, I’m not dying, because they’re buying me food, and he replies that that sounds strange. Well, the only reason it sounds strange to him is because he doesn’t understand how bad I see going out on my own.

He has no clue about that experience and the knowledge I’ve built up, of how people treat me. He’s oblivious. That’s what’s at the root of it all, and it seems no one on social media has a clue either. It’s safe to say they both think they’re dealing with a mental inpatient at this point.’

My friend replied, ‘Lol, continue to drive, needing a job for car insurance, another complication I didn’t know about. Glad I didn’t get into that world.’ I replied, ‘For insurance they can afford, that is, but again, it’s them paying for it, and for a luxury, so they don’t have to.’

I continued, ‘I wouldn’t care that much if they cancelled my insurance. It provides a few benefits that are only really useful in family emergencies, and with the way they treat me, it’s not like I’m that interested in that. I have no place to beg them to let me drive anyway, even if I wanted to, because it’s completely not essential to my survival and wellbeing.

It’s essentially 2 things only: computer and food. Without either one of those, my wellbeing will plummet. Phone is just a redundant computer, and I have the money to get a new phone or repair the computer. That’s really why I say it’s only 1 thing: food.’

My friend replied, ‘I would suggest not buying a new phone. You’re going to need that money.’ I replied, ‘You don’t need to suggest. I haven’t needed to buy a new phone, because mine still works. I basically don’t pay for upgrades in this state of affairs. I had planned to put the finishing touches to my PC, like new fans; not a wise spend anymore. I buy what I absolutely need.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I’m clueless about the job world. The funny thing about jobs is that wondering whether a job exists is wondering what people would want from me or how they’d see that they could make use of me, so it’s basically asking me to read people’s minds, so I’ve no idea how on earth people know about the job world so early.

It’s the same lack of understanding I have about how these people can think they can sell their art or merchandise online. Whenever I see someone imploring someone to buy something from them, I get this fog of confusion and annoyance.

Why do they think someone would want to pay money for some drawing they did or whatever it is, actual money? And then I have to realise the truth, which is that it’s because people don’t know how to download music for free, for example, or will pay for the silliest of things, like thousands for metal and stone.

So then you ask why don’t I exploit said people instead, and I can’t, because I could never ever stoop to their level. I could never make someone pay for something I know they could’ve got for free or I know was completely unremarkable, considering I’ve got paid nothing for the creations and advancements I’ve made.

When you buy into money, you buy into such a crappy system that doesn’t reward productivity whatsoever. It’s 100x worse when they know that isn’t going to sustain them, just making freelance drawings for strangers any odd time, so it adds to the pointlessness.

It indicates several things, one important one of which is that they can relate to the rest of these people: they can relate to wanting to pay for art, first and foremost; they can relate to wanting to pay for some random merchandise they could’ve got for free, like a song. They can relate to idolising someone, even.

Even if I did have a lot of money, I just wouldn’t spend on that stuff. It’s so pointless, whether it’s jewellery, music, art, tattoos, fashion. They are happy enabling that mindset rather than resisting it, and the idea of thinking people would pay for stupid stuff from you is everywhere, pay when they easily couldn’t.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I think a great deal of fiction-loving involves faith in other people, but I might be wrong. I’m just befuddled as to how people can still be gushing over fiction and video games in their adult years.’ My friend replied, ‘Wait; if I can work out why you’re saying that, then you’re right.’

I continued, ‘I do know one thing, and it’s that I lost all drive to make music or art when I lost my total faith in other people, because the audience was lost. Any potential audience that could understand what I’d have to offer was lost.

I know how to make things that people like. I know it, because I’ve done it. That’s not the point and is so far removed from what I’d actually ideally like to make. I’m not proud of any song I’ve ever made. In no way whatsoever does it represent me or what I would ideally see in music. Most of it was jokes.

I could’ve kept going. It’s so not the point. What I have to offer drastically changed. It skyrocketed in complexity. How on earth am I going to convey the message in my head or my thoughts when they are what they are now? No one will get it. I’m totally a prisoner with my thoughts, totally.

Artists always go on about how a certain work represents their mindset at that point in time. My message is about society right now, and no one will get it.

My lack of faith in people is what drove me to research and prioritise it, research of people, over playing games and wasting time, and now, I can’t look back.

I’ve gained that momentum and base knowledge to just keep going, and anything less is a waste of time, and my mind makes the correlation that it’s their faith in people, because it’s as if they never went through the experiences I did and never studied people as a result and just carried on gormlessly playing games as if nothing were wrong.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I also don’t like how these “commission”-askers have such faith in their people skills and that everyone will have good intentions when they communicate. I remember the stress I experienced when all these big accounts and small ones were messaging me for [mutual shoutouts] back when I had thousands of followers, and I had to awkwardly pull through and arrange it, and the amount of people who just rip you off or steal your work is ridiculous. It’s huge. It concludes as to the pointlessness of it all.

Bill Wurtz [a YouTuber] was absolutely, totally right when he said^[3] about how he doesn’t get selling things online, because people can just redistribute for free. It’s practically totally pointless and useless. I am the proof. Millions of people are the proof, and yet they still do it, because they either are stupid, or they just expect people to be stupid enough to pay, and they choose to enable that stupidity rather than fight it or disassociate from it.’

My friend replied, ‘Maybe they’re too absorbed in the art, and sadly, it’s the only way to make money from it, whereas I don’t have that attachment to art, so I can select what is going to be most beneficial in reality.’ I replied, ‘Yes. They clearly want to do it so badly, but I still don’t get why they expect that their work is worth money. It’s not something a million other people can’t do.’

At age 20, I stated, ‘I have no idea how to make money at all. Money involves other people.‘ I later stated, in response to my friend suggesting I could be ‘rolling in riches’, ‘All manner of things say I could be rolling in riches by now, but money is inevitably tied to the will of other people.’

At age 20, I stated in a voice message:

‘There used to be this open window of possibilities and potential careers or things I’d have to offer to the rest of society, but you know, very quickly, in the last 5 or so years, even more than that, even 8 years, that window just closed and closed and closed into this triangle.

And now, the triangle’s reached a point where I see this [writing about the social mindset] as more important than any other. It’s dwarfed them all. It’s shot up into its own vertical line on the graph and dwarfed all the others, that have shrunk down, and it’s become the only thing that I can see worthy of pursuing and having actual value.

Before, you’d always get these talks about career and all these abilities that we’d have, like me and my music ability or computing abilities, but it’s all in vain, it honestly is. It’s all in vain, because so many other people can do that.

But only we can actually come from this point, and the value just skyrockets of what we have to offer here, when we’ve learnt what we’ve learnt. The learning of how people are has come in conjunction with the learning of the fact that they would never accept us in any regular societal scenario or normal job scenario, so when that’s happening in concert, this becomes the only true destiny that we have to pursue.

So it becomes precarious. It feels like I’m going to be forced or pressured into some other destiny that isn’t actually my destiny but one that my family wants, one that society wants, and it feels like I’m being pressured and pressured, like a pressure-cooker, heated up to just be ejected into it.

And that’s why I feel like there’s this sense of urgency that I need to get this done now, because I know this to be my actual, true destiny and purpose of what I actually have to offer.

But people: they all think I have other things to offer. I mean, for goodness’ sake, they think I have empathy to offer; they think I have acceptance of guilt-tripping and manipulation. That’s what they think I have to offer, and they think I have regular job roles to offer. They’re never going to get it.

There’s the discrepancy there, the dissonance, the dichotomy of what they think I have to offer vs. what I know I have to offer, so when they realise that I’m coming further and further away from that, from what they want, they’re going to be clamping down. The pressure to fit into the normal societal role is going to build and build and build until it does eventually overcome me, and that’s why this all needs to be done before that point.

I mean, even just the mere fact of running out of money, such that I die, because you know, even money is based on the expectations of other people and your role to other people, and that is what gets remunerated, so even that alone is a representation of that same thing that I’m describing right now, just because I don’t meet the job descriptions and social-role descriptions that other people expect and want and always will expect and think I’m able to provide, not realising that what I actually have to offer is so much more important.

They’re not going to see the importance. Unless I get it into this presentable format, they’re never going to understand what I’m talking about or why it’s so important. They’re always going to think I have all this other menial stuff to offer that other people can do.

Because obviously, they think everyone’s an individual; they think everyone has something to offer just by virtue of being a person, and the same logic is going to be applied to me. I mean, for goodness’ sake, my parents: they said I could be a taxi driver. Can you even believe that? But it’s exactly what I’m saying. It’s the same effect being applied to me.’

At age 21, I stated:

‘The possibility is still held out that some miracle, perfect job opportunity requires me to go out, but it’s just getting more and more fanciful, more and more ridiculous that I ever considered it in this world, not even considering what you said, just considering by myself the nature of this world and everything we hear about jobs and how they are and who goes after them and the culture and community and expectations and norms, conventions and traditions of the job world.

It was silly of me to assume, but my assumption was based on childhood exposure [to others] that hadn’t yet been overwritten by hard, first-hand experience. It was childhood being-told, by parents and other figures. It was this constant assurance that wasn’t rooted in reality but was constantly reaffirmed to me time after time by every figure that I now see totally never made sense.

I’m realising how it has to come from me, despite what it is, despite its very nature being the giving of other people. I have to stoop, basically, if I’m to live. I have to stoop to that level of pandering in order to survive.

I happened upon a market of people offering to design extremely simple logos for people, YouTubers or even companies, well below what I could do, basically what I could knock up in a few minutes in Inkscape, but getting paid for it, but I still fear it would involve too much one-on-one interaction and guessing what the person wants. I can’t do that.

When I make a solution, it’s basically to something that I’ve studied intensely that has an objective, practical need that speeds up or frees up productivity. Usually, it has to matter to me as well, but there are many I know would matter to many other people too.

I only ever create out of an annoyance that something doesn’t already exist. That’s how it was with editing; that’s how it is with this [JavaScript] scripting; that’s how it was with uploading YouTube videos of songs that didn’t exist; that’s how it is with this science website I will produce. That’s how it always ever is.

I create out of annoyance. I have to see a need and be annoyed at it in order to create. I quite simply will never create solely for the benefit of others.

The problem really becomes a problem when I have to create according to some odd person’s personal desires, but it still is a problem even when I’m creating to solve a practical issue that only affects one community, even if I am being remunerated for it.

It doesn’t matter, for some reason, or, to put it in other words, the stresses of the process and personal interaction massively outweigh the perceived reward of the remuneration. It becomes pointless, back to what I said in that earlier discussion about this phenomenon.

It’s like the guy who develops the mod for Instagram: it’s all well and good; his work is appreciated, and I do get annoyed at the lack of functionality without it, but for me to actually invest the time and effort to solve that problem or, in fact, to develop anything for Instagram: it’s an insult to conscience, because of what Instagram is.

It is a social network that contains nothing other than people with the social mindset, so it is none other than something that doesn’t benefit me for my overall life’s purposes. It will not help me be productive.

It forms a capsule within the greater meta window of what I’m doing and working towards. I am describing and answering what Instagram and its users are in my meta-goal, my science pursuit. I am describing the mindset that unites them with all other humans except us and uniting the science on the topic. It is a meta-goal that stands above what Instagram is and serves to elevate perspective from it.

A lot of things just don’t matter, things that people get caught up in, thinking they matter, things they think they have to do when they just don’t have to do them. I could not stand it. Imagine giving back to that. It would be hell.

I cannot give back to a typical social-mindset cause. I just can’t, because that can’t be my life. It’s not what my life is for. It’s not what my abilities have given me the ability to do that no one else can; that’s what I have to pursue, what I can do that others can’t, and that’s what this science is.

However, I’m supposed to earn money to further my own purposes, to further my life, basically, so if the entire thing I do for my life is not that, there’s no point. My career therefore must be that or, at least, must permit that, not be less than 50% of that.

People always go on about their careers and how much they love them or love what they do or are proud of it, proudly embellishing their university qualifications and work experience on their portfolios.

My life cannot be compatible with that. Either I have to be able to earn money through the purpose of my life, i.e. to use the skills and perspective I have that others don’t for the purposes I know are most important, or I have to have a job that is bearable enough and earns enough money and takes up not too much time to permit the pursuit of that purpose using the money earnt from that job.

Because the purpose is the life, obviously, so obviously, the money earnt goes towards the purpose, because it goes towards me living, otherwise there’s no point. It can’t go toward anything that isn’t that. I have to live for my purpose, so any money I earn has to go towards that purpose. It’s one and the same.’

At age 20, my friend stated:

‘What on earth are they talking about? Funding for research? Just research. Stop raising money and research.

If 99% of people were researching rather than 0.001%, there would be a cure. Instead, it’s 99% of people donating, 0.001% researching. “Little is known [about what causes Alzheimer’s disease].”‘

At age 21, I stated:

‘There is something in my brain that inherently stops me earning money, though, because I’ve realised how flux and loose it all is, because I see how people online have their donate buttons or their Patreons or their online stores, and that didn’t take any employment; they just decided to do it, hoping or expecting that someone would contribute, and it would seem that people do, but I don’t have that hope or expectation.

It’s not physiologically in me, because I wouldn’t do it for someone else. I don’t spend money on people. I never donate to anything. Fundamentally, if there’s a way I can not lose money pointlessly, I’ll take it, and that’s why it’s in them to do that, to start online businesses and expect/hope from people, and not in me.’

At age 21, I stated:

‘Music production is now a very social endeavour for me, extremely. You have to feel like you’re getting some reward out of making music for others, otherwise there’s no point making it, and it’s always a social or money-expectant one, and I can’t do either of those things; I can’t socialise, and I can’t expect money.

The only reason other people make music is because they want to express themselves to other people or because they hope or know it will get them money through the donations of other people – that’s what it is, donations, because you can get music for free. You don’t buy a track; you donate to the musician.

I can’t deal with donations or charity; it doesn’t compute, expecting or thinking someone will pay me for something I’ve made or done and judging how much. I don’t have those social scales. I’m not here to judge people’s whims and act on them. I’m here to solve problems, and people can do with that what they want.

Music is anti[–self expression] for me, because we’ve established music is one of the most irreconcilable and unrelatable parts of the brain between me and other people.

I have never, ever, ever had the thought that I could express myself to someone else through music. No; what would happen instead is the opposite, a misunderstanding, a clash, a dissonance, a misinterpretation, a taking-the-wrong-way. I can only express myself to myself through music, and that makes it a waste of time. No one else will get it. It will not compute.

Days of production will be interpreted as, “That’s nice, but it’s not really my taste.” And let’s not even get started on lyrics, which, if I wanted to use, I would just speak instead, but I never do anyway. I never want to speak to people or express anything about myself to others that they don’t need to know, because it will strike up an argument or, at best, be completely misunderstood/interpreted the wrong way.

And even if [a song I produce] is interpreted as “This bangs, and I’ve got it stuck on repeat”, who’s to say that means they’ll pay me? They most likely won’t, if they have a brain. They’ll just listen through the online stream or, if they want it offline, use a SoundCloud or YouTube downloader.

So trusting them to pay is an unworthy gamble. It’s playing the lottery, basically, and no one should be running a career playing the lottery. And think where else musicians get their money, the only other places: live performances, if not that then sample packs, video tutorials.

[An artist] in fact once said he can do Skype lessons. Imagine the pain of doing that, teaching a nobody who you almost certainly would despise if you knew anything about them, having to manage that and the fact you’re supposed to be giving them a music production lesson. It’s all hell.’

At age 21, about an anti-bullying campaign, I stated:

‘Well, like advertising, they expect it to work, though in that case, it actually does. It’s an expectation, that appealing for money or a view change, that I just don’t have in me, whether it’s donation or the belief that you’re worth money in the position of a “job” or advertising or campaigning.

It all fails to process in me through the same mechanism.’

At age 21, I stated, ‘I will really struggle to get a job. I just will, because I don’t understand money, because it doesn’t compute to me, because it’s not in me to ask someone of money or go after money.’

At age 21, in response to a banner asking for donations for ‘those on the front lines of coronavirus‘, I stated, ‘Biggest insult ever. Yes, why don’t I pay the people who brought about this pandemic in the first place, neglecting the fact regular people are losing money [due to the outbreak] anyway, but even the fact that I myself can’t earn money anyway; forget about that.’

At age 21, I stated, ‘I was supposed to believe my music could make money, would make me money, through some magical process. As we know, that’s not the case without the social mindset.’

At age 21, I stated:

‘There’s an issue when it comes down to the whim of one person, when it doesn’t follow rules, when you can’t possibly predict how much some job will earn you or how much some supply will cost, and when it relies on that whim, such that the employer can alter how much they pay you based on their appraisal of you.

The one-on-one service interactions too, the freelancer dynamic: that is beyond me, where people put up random valuations for their services and expect people to pay, know that people will want to, especially if it’s something totally unnecessary or something that can be got for free.

It’s them placing a price that they decide on, hoping/expecting people to pay it and people actually paying it, even when it can be had for free and is unnecessary.

Once again, I see it like there are other me’s, and they would never in a million years buy from me some pointless product that can be got for free or means nothing.

That’s part of the problem; it forces me to attempt to step into the mindless will of these other people, but because their rules are nonsense, I can’t manage such an interaction, because I won’t know when I’m stepping the line. I will never know, because ordinarily, such an interaction should never be happening, because the product is pointless or can be had for free.

Ordinarily, the person on the other end shouldn’t even be trying to buy from me, so the mere fact they are means their logic is flawed, so I don’t know what retarded rule I’m going to violate, what retarded line I’m going to step over. Who knows how I’m supposed to interact with a person like that?

But ultimately, in a world of me’s, I still can’t see a need for money. Other animals do fine without it, even ones that cooperate. It’s not necessary at all. So, in an ironic way, the purchasing of makeup or jewellery is the use of a social token to purchase more social tokens.

Any presence of money implies that society has to value the thing you’re trying to obtain rather than just you or it just being practically, objectively beneficial. That’s why in a one-on-one scenario, it looks way more retarded.

But yes, money can only come about due to a wider society, because it’s an expectation; it’s the expectation that you will use the money to obtain something from the wider society when you might not.

It might be 2 people in the world, one with a food item and the other without, and if the second person tried to use money to buy it from the first person, once the transaction was completed, the money would be useless. The person couldn’t use it for anything, except buying back the food he just sold. However, with his own two hands, he could still obtain other resources and share them with the other person.

So in that sense, money is a hindrance, a pointless distraction. They could both go after resources without the money and share them amongst themselves.’

At age 21, I stated:

‘My goodness, this third article^[4][5] is stupid. They think they taught monkeys money just because they gave them tokens that they then used with the researchers. I can do that. That’s not what we lack. The test that would show what we lack is if you tried to get them to earn money unprompted or out in the wild. That would fail dramatically.

There are also monkeys who steal tourist belongings then offer to return them in exchange for food,^[6] again, not the money concept that’s missing. This is so stupid, I swear.

All these studies mean nothing, because it hasn’t come about independently in the wild. That’s the human feature. It means nothing that they can “understand budgeting”. It’s not the feature.

All of them involved whole groups of monkeys all taught by researchers, not monkeys teaching each other or, more importantly, appropriating from each other, nor using it on monkeys they knew had not been taught, i.e. outside the captivity. They might try, but it would quickly fail, then they’d go back to their old ways.

Also, it’s not just any token; it has to start from something that’s salient, grabs the attention, shiny or whatever, and then the other monkey has to see a monkey looking intrigued in it, and they have to know what intrigue looks like based on past experiences of their own and others’ intrigue, and then they have to link it and feel intrigue themselves in association with the thing and adopt the behaviours.

Money doesn’t come about as a result of some scientific method or logical thing; it’s entirely social-mindset. They frame it as some higher-understanding thing; it’s not. It’s a dumb-dumb thing, as I am now illustrating on the diagram of its origin.’

At age 21, I stated:

‘It requires both seeing the value yourself and knowing or expecting others to see the value. It requires both; a match has to take place for you to do it.

You could argue it’s why I don’t make music I like [and share it with others]. I see the value, but I know or expect others won’t. And then, it’s why I don’t earn money. I don’t see the value, but I know others do. As for my site, I see the value, and I know or expect a group of others will.’

At age 21, I stated:

‘Another misconception I can see coming: when I list valuation of money as a social-mindset feature, regular people will think I’d throw all my money away, just like when I list empathy, they’ll think I’ll harm any old person [which is a threat-proxy feature of the social mindset].

It’s so difficult to convey; it always has been, incredibly difficult to convey how we think [to those with the social mindset and the automatic assumptions it produces].

Everyone jumps to assumptions, jumps to conclusions based on how they behave or what they know. They can never just drop what they know and start from a blank slate, which is what I said some time ago, that people should completely lose any expectations they have of all people they’ve ever seen when interacting with me, because I’ll defy all of them.’

At age 21, I stated:

‘Anyway, I figured out exactly why I can’t earn money; it’s fundamentally because I don’t value it, because it itself does not trigger the reward centres. In other people, it itself becomes a source of reward.

You have to disregard what it can be used for among humans [such as gaining food], totally strip that out of your mind, because if that were the reason, other animals would have money. No; you have to value it, yourself, and that valuation is, of course, appropriated, episodic-memory triggers rather than innate-survival-centre regulators.

You cannot say one should want money because it can be used to gain food, because then it would come about in other animals. No; the differentiating factor is the valuation of money itself on a similar level to food, even though it provides no sustenance on its own. Funnily enough, the former is more or less what does come about in other animals, the monkeys holding ransom.

It’s not about a “use” for money. There is no use. It’s merely a side effect of multiple people across a society valuing it on a similar level to food. They all value it, so they all exchange it like food, so what happens when you lack the mechanism that makes you appropriate that valuation? You don’t value it, hence you become us. You only have innate valuation.

I always felt as though I was losing nothing when I purchased stuff with money, and I always felt as though I was earning nothing when I got given it, like I was receiving something that was useless. I always used to think, “Oh, that’s nice. Whatever.” If I see a low bank balance, I’m not sad, and vice versa with a high bank balance and happy.

Fundamentally, for it to be used to gain food, you have to want to give it to someone else, and to want to give it to someone else, you have to relate their desire for the money to yourself (assuming they have one, which is not the case in other animals), so if you don’t desire money yourself, you won’t want to give it to them. However, I can relate to the need for food, because I have that innate need.

So basically, I can totally recognise that I would gain more access to food if I had more money, but the roadblock is in the fact that I have to use the money on a person to gain the food. That’s the roadblock. That’s where it all comes crashing down.

It means I have to relate to valuing money itself before valuing food, relate to only wanting to give someone food if I receive money first, and because I don’t have that, I don’t relate, and hence I don’t have a desire to give, and hence I don’t have a desire to earn for that reason.

But the only reason I don’t have a desire to earn is because I don’t value money itself. This is just the explanation as to why I wouldn’t value it for that supposedly “logical” reason.’

At age 21, I stated:

‘God, all of them are game developers. They love putting that in their bio. Now, I finally understand why there are so many games out there and why they get all the attention, rather than the hard, concrete, useful tools; it’s the Star-Wars Doctor-Who mindset that they all have. This one’s line of expertise begins with C and C++, then what else does he put in his bio? He runs pool clubs. Wasn’t surprised at all by that. Then lists his university degrees.

I still can’t really understand employment, especially in this context with these online developer portfolios, because I’d only ever want to code what I’d want to code, not what somebody else wanted. The whole reason I went into code was to fulfil a project I started. It’s an expense of time that nevertheless had to be done for the greater project to come to fruition, so why would I waste all that time on someone else?

It’s the same reason I don’t make video tutorials, even if I get the feeling I could. I see tutorial-makers, and they have the polar-opposite mindset to me. The only times I’ve made anything that ever resembled it was where it helped me, where I myself came across a lack of knowledge, found it out myself then documented it for reference.

But yes, remember what I said about when people are given the opportunity to write about themselves [i.e. autobiographical episodic memories in the default mode network], it always guarantees to be the most obnoxious stuff ever? That rule rings true again.

I can’t pander like you have to do in job-seeking, in CVs or cover letters. I can only list my accomplishments. I can’t gear them towards anyone. I can only list them in plain fact; I did this, and I did that. They have to take from it what they will.

I will not say, “I think I’m the best fit for your company because so and so”, or “I’ve studied your company intently and…”, or “I’m offering this and that service and will accept this and that”. No. I won’t accept anything, basically. I can’t and will never kiss these people’s balls and suck up to them to curry favour.

I mean, the amount of effort you have to go into just to get a chance of being employed, the levels you have to stoop to in dignity, putting yourself below the employer, giving up respect, showing up in formal attire and putting on “smiles”.

I basically can’t offer myself up in any way that implies I want to be part of this or that occupation, because I don’t. I don’t want to do anything except what I want, so I’m only going to list what I’ve done. Whether I have a qualification or not is irrelevant. That is only listed for appealing to employers, as it means nothing for actual skill. Only raw, practical facts matter.’

At age 22, I stated:

‘[Lack of valuation of money] only looks like [a contradiction given my use of money], but it actually isn’t one; I’m only doing what a dog could do to get food. Grocery deliveries are clicks of a few buttons on a screen, and then the food comes to you. No thought about money has to be paid, earning or wanting it.

I don’t need to imagine the humans wanting money, because I can just treat them like machines where you stick in a token, and something pops out. That’s what it’s like, so that’s why it’s difficult to convey the concept of valuing money.

It’s nothing to do with numbers or figures or anything that could be made up for by non-money concepts, anything to do with maths, anything to do with procedures and machinery that eventually outputs a survival item.

It’s only to do with the valuation of money itself, pursuing money for money. People can want to give money because they know it will make someone feel good; I don’t have that. People can charge people an arbitrary number they’ve decided for things and expect them to pay; I don’t have that.

There’s no money without humans and human interaction, which I don’t need to imagine when wiring a few pounds to a supermarket business in order to get food delivered to my door; may as well be machines doing it. A machine could compensate that functionality, from start to finish.

In other words, I don’t need to value money to do that. I could be wiring them shit, could be wiring them a leaf, doesn’t matter, whatever gets the food, whatever works. People don’t value those things.

So basically, substitute money for one of those things in any scenario, and that will explain how I don’t value money; substitute cash for lumps of dirt or fluff.

If I could reenact the same process using those items, it doesn’t involve valuation of money [on my part], and it explains those instances where I don’t want money, because it’s as if I’m being given dirt or fluff or wanting to give someone dirt or fluff.

You could, right now, make a machine that delivered food to you if it were given dirt. You can’t, right now, make society value dirt instead of money such that they’d want to earn it and expect others to value it too.’

At age 22, I stated, ‘People find not having a job embarrassing; I find getting a job embarrassing. I find everything related to what you have to do to get a job embarrassing. I don’t want to be seen doing it, doing those things.’

At age 22, I stated:

‘I have to assume now that for regular people, getting a job is some ridiculously easy thing that they just waltz into and that that’s why none of this is on their minds, why it’s a nothing to them, and I mean a job in general, not a high-paying one, even a caretaker job; they consider that easy enough to waltz into.

And I also have to assume even a caretaker job pays enough to make none of this a source of worry anymore, otherwise they would be worrying about the same things I am.

Results about worry about these things are just nonexistent on Google. The questions just aren’t asked and aren’t answered.‘

My friend later stated, ‘Getting a job is like being told I’m up for a year of cross country at 6am.’ I replied, ‘Hahaha. That would be far easier, though. It’s even worse than that.’ My friend replied, ‘Yes.’

I continued, ‘Compared to, say, being a waiter, if my job was a year of cross country at 6am, I’d take it immediately.’ My friend replied, ‘Yes.’ I continued, ‘I don’t care if it’s not a social task, if it doesn’t involve being around other people, so if it were cross country with a bunch of other schoolboys, I wouldn’t take it.’

I later sent a screenshot of a caretaker’s average salary and remarked, ‘£51 a day seems like a huge amount to me, an astronomical amount, because I have no idea how much things cost and have never earnt that much.

It feels like I would be set for life on that, but I’ll probably end up finding out that I won’t be. So basically, I’m now assuming the position that I was right about this.’

I later sent a screenshot of a 2015 study^[7] reporting that those with autism were more disconnected from employment than those with other disabilities and that only 58% of American autistic children will work for pay at some point before age 25, compared to 74% of those with intellectual disability, 95% of those with learning disability and nearly 99% of all high-school graduates.’

I remarked, ‘99%, hahahahahaha, sounds about right, so I was right about that too.’

I later sent the following quote from the Wikipedia article for employment: ‘Long-term unemployment (LTU) is defined in European Union statistics as unemployment lasting for longer than one year (while unemployment lasting over two years is defined as very long-term unemployment).’^[8]

I remarked, ‘Lol, more evidence that it’s some alien concept to them and that being in employment is the course of least resistance that they waltz into, while it’s the diametric opposite for us, jobs being the alien concept and not having one being the course of least resistance.’

I later stated, ‘What people don’t understand is that not having a desire for a job doesn’t put them in the position of doing one they don’t want to do – it puts them in the position of not doing any, at all.

Them doing a job they don’t want to do isn’t actually not having much desire to do a job; it’s not the bottom. It’s a fairly normal level of desire for a job. They don’t realise you can go much lower.

People complain all the time of doing jobs they don’t want to do, but when you really don’t want to do it, absolutely every little thing and danger becomes a downside. Absolutely everything becomes the preventing factor of you doing it, becomes a reason not to do it:

the danger of the trip there and back, the danger of the people you’re around, the time and effort it takes out, the lack of immediate use for the money. Absolutely anything and everything will be taken as a reason not to do it.

That’s not wanting a job. That’s what that is, because the gain is 0, perceived gain, so there are only negatives.’

References

1. ^ "Emily Whitehead: girl whose cancer was 'cured' by HIV". The Telegraph. 2012-12-11. (Archive version from 26 January 2018.)
2. ^ "This baby girl has recovered from a previously incurable form of cancer". The Independent. 2015-11-05. (Archive version from 4 November 2020.)
3. ^ H3 Podcast (2018-11-30). "H3 Podcast #96 - bill wurtz". YouTube.
4. ^ "How scientists taught monkeys the concept of money. Not long after, the first prostitute monkey appeared". ZME Science. 2011-07-07. (Archive version from 30 June 2020.)
5. ^ Chen, M. Keith; Lakshminarayanan, Venkat; Santos, Laurie R (2006-06-01). "How Basic Are Behavioral Biases? Evidence from Capuchin Monkey Trading Behavior". Journal of Political Economy. journals.uchicago.edu (Atypon). 114 (3): 517–537. doi:10.1086/503550. ISSN 0022-3808.
6. ^ "Monkeys are holding tourists' phones and cameras to ransom for food". The Independent. 2017-06-01. (Archive version from 1 August 2020.)
7. ^ Roux, Anne; Rast, Jessica; Rava, Julianna; Anderson, Kristy; Shattuck, Paul (2015-04-15). "National Autism Indicators Report: Transition into Young Adulthood". Autism Outcomes.
8. ^ "Unemployment § Long-term unemployment". Wikipedia. 2020-11-30.

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