Romantic love

My ability to feel romantic love was not significantly affected until the first significant reciprocal encounters at age 15. It then dropped progressively in the years after this, for reasons explained below.

My friend continues to be able to feel romantic love for certain romantic partners who have minimal social-mindset features. He has also still pursued romantic partners some years after I largely stopped, though increasingly less so.

I had two childhood romantic encounters at ages 8–9. One of them would be the only time (as of 2020) I would physically kiss or hug a girl I romantically liked. The other girl kissed me, but I did not particularly like her.

Following this, my friend and I both experienced the same phenomenon of romantic partners we once knew adopting a whole host of new behaviours, appearances and opinions from the crowd and claiming them as their own. We referred to this as ‘deteriorating’, in part because the behaviours were often more self-detrimental/self-harmful than the ones that came before (such as adoption of drug use, new piercings, etc.). It led us to increasingly pinpoint the ‘red flags’ that indicated that these ‘deteriorations’ would take place.

Every time a significant social-mindset behaviour would be brought up in conversation by a romantic partner, the conversation would ‘stall’ as we figured out how to go about it without expressing too much support for the behaviour, which would cause immense cringe, since we did not love this aspect about the partner.

We were not yet fully aware that these would take place in every potential partner we would ever meet, which led us to continue looking for a romantic partner for some time after this. However, by ages 18–19, I hardly looked for a partner or contacted anyone first. By this point, the number of social-mindset behaviours adopted by everyone our age had skyrocketed, and it was virtually impossible to find a girl who did not wear makeup or espouse significant social-mindset behaviours (or be certain to do so due to the ‘red flags’). I also knew all of the minimal red flags of the social mindset by this point.

Some girls would occasionally still find and contact me, and I would give them warnings about how I am and how I will let them down, though this did not stop some from pursuing a relationship, presumably because they did not understand the gravity of what I said and assumed I would ‘warm up’ or change my views. The last instance of effort that ultimately led to a months-long ‘relationship’, as of September 2020, was a single comment unrelated to anything romantic that I deleted within seconds of posting, which immediately led to a private message back.

None of this has stopped a theoretical girl who also has our lack of the social mindset from triggering full feelings in myself, however such a girl is unlikely to exist.

At age 17, I stated, ‘Imagine no makeup, no hairstyles, no piercings, no tattoos, all natural. That’s my type.’

At age 17, my friend stated, ‘I love how she has been wearing the same top for 6 years. That would give me a feeling, because it means the girl is exactly like me, as if I value her greater because she has no fashion sense.’

At age 19, I stated, ‘There is not a single case I can think of where I would like a girl who drinks alcohol, has makeup, has piercings or any other choosable, damaging body modification.’

At age 19, I stated:

‘I will never be seen close to a girl with makeup or piercings or any body modification, even earrings. … Can you imagine me kissing a girl at home with makeup on, it going in my mouth?’ My friend replied, ‘It doesn’t taste nice. It tastes like eating cream or lotion.’

I continued, ‘Yes. It’s just even more ridiculous when it’s only an unnoticeable little. To me, it will always be a detriment to their appearance, just because it detracts from them. It’s something obscuring them. I don’t see it as an adornment; I see it as an obstruction. Hope I never have to have that experience [of kissing makeup].’

At age 19, I stated, ‘For me, natural is king, always. Doesn’t matter if it’s an inborn condition like a port-wine stain. If it’s natural, I prefer it over non-natural. To cover it up with makeup would do nothing but repulse me more.’

At age 19, I stated:

‘The thing about it is, though, if I don’t notice makeup on a girl, it’s not a good thing; it just means I didn’t notice its existence. When I find out, I’m disapproving, just as much as always.

If I see and notice makeup, but it’s only a little, an amount others would call “barely noticeable”, I would still be disapproving. I don’t care how much it is, and if I don’t notice it, it’s an accident, a fluke. That’s how it was with [my 3-year girlfriend].’

At age 19, I stated:

‘I can’t remember a time I’ve liked a Snapchat-filtered selfie.’ I later stated, ‘It’s funny how badly Snapchat filters can turn me off a girl. I was turned off as soon as [my 3-year girlfriend] started regularly using Snapchat filters.’

I later stated, ‘The Snapchat filter throws any feelings away. Snapchat filters are actually incredibly damaging to my feelings. The moment [my 3-year girlfriend] started using them, I went from mad love to resentment. They are powerful weapons against my poor old feelings.’

At age 19, I stated:

‘I successfully persuaded her not to get that tattoo, but now, she comes to me wanting a piercing on her upper ear. It really made me lose hope.’ My friend replied, ‘Well, like I said, you’ll never have true success, because, like [your 3-year girlfriend], they will change; too mercurial, protean.’

I replied, ‘I’m as done with it as you are at this point. It’s clear they’re all the same. They all deteriorate. Yes, I’m just dismally hopeless now.’

My friend replied, ‘Let’s say a girl like [your girlfriend] didn’t want earrings; it would change eventually. It is inevitable, as soon as they come under Western exposure, so a girl like [her] without earrings would masquerade momentarily to be a better thinker, but it isn’t true. It isn’t set in stone.‘

I replied, ‘Exactly. It’s not even the West at this point. It’s just their teenage years, growing up in their friend groups, regurgitating what they see on the Internet.’

At age 19, I stated:

‘Another thing: I made [the 3-year girlfriend] okay with not marrying. This just came up, because [my girlfriend at the time] mentioned me hypothetically as a great husband.

But these things always come up, things that strike fear and uncertainty into me, that I need to clear up, sort out, have closure on, and I know it’ll be a stressful process.’

At age 19, I stated:

‘She mentions this in passing [me being her “sensei” and her being my “padawan”].’ My friend replied, ‘Padawan lol.’

I continued, ‘A conversation begins on the meaning of this word. Apparently, it was from Star Wars.’ My friend replied, ‘Oops. Bad idea to use that on us, hahaha.‘

I later stated, ‘I don’t even want to explain further. I wish I’d never heard it.’

At age 19, I stated in a voice message:

‘You know what the problem is? I’ll put it into other words. It’s not that my ideal girl doesn’t exist; it’s that even my lowest-of-the-low, acceptable girl doesn’t exist. Even a girl who only just meets my bare minimums, regardless of anatomy, even, regardless of any of that stuff, just behaviour-wise, doesn’t exist.

In a reasonable world [of individual survival, i.e. the animal world], a girl who doesn’t wear makeup should not be such an issue, but for some reason that I cannot understand, 99% of all girls have to wear makeup constantly, or, at least at some point in their lives, they have to degenerate to that.

Same thing with alcohol, and that’s the thing: when you add those two factors together, you suddenly divide your chances of finding a girl by 100, and then you add something else like smoking, fashion, tattoos, piercings, hair dye. As soon as you group all those things together, you’re left with, like, nothing. At least, that’s where I am now. I can’t see a single person who matches that.

And yet, these are things that people wouldn’t even be doing in the first place if they knew how to use their brain in a non-socially influenced manner, and that’s the huge, huge issue. It’s that they value the opinions of… They don’t even have their own opinion. Literally, it’s just a regurgitation of outside influences that’s just not them. It’s like I’m just not talking to a person. It’s like I’m talking to a cell, or a small animal.

It’s absolutely ludicrous, and that’s really what it comes down to at the end of the day. There’s nothing there. They’re just a cell of a bigger picture.

And anyone else would say, “Oh, you’re silly to reject these things, because they’re so common. You’re never going to find blah blah blah, therefore you should accept them [though I now know that they’d also dismiss me because subjectively, they’d like the things for themselves and couldn’t comprehend them being socially appropriated].”

I should accept something just because it’s popular. That’s exactly the thinking that leads these people to fall into these practices, and damaging practices I’m talking about, things like alcohol, smoking, etc., things that there is no reasonable defence for.

Talking about this drives me absolutely insane. It’s the one thing. I can’t possibly imagine getting more worked up about anything. This is literally it, something my brain can’t compute. It just confounds me, and it plagues my entire life and probably will until I die.’

My friend replied, ‘My nan said that. She said I’ll never find a girl like that; I’ll never find a girl that doesn’t wear makeup. “All girls wear makeup.”‘ I replied, ‘Yes. It’s not a reason, not a defence, not an argument; it’s a nothing.’

My friend replied, ‘In a way, she is right, but she is wrong in the sense that she expects me to give up the hatred. She says it like I need to learn that all girls wear makeup, and I need to accept it.’

I replied, ‘It’s an argumentum ad populum, if that’s the right term. She’s trying to argue that it should be accepted because it is popular, which is the major fallacy that is the source of this horrible social thinking.’

I continued in a voice message, ‘But this is a question of personal tastes, so when she’s asking you to do that, if anyone were to ask me to accept something that I fundamentally disagree with on a genetic level, it’s like asking a gay person to accept that because 98% of people are heterosexual, he should just accept them and just be with them. There’s no defence whatsoever for it.’

At age 18, my friend stated:

‘I’m afraid the best kind of love would be a girl exactly like us, who loves us because we are like this, not for basic reasons: “Oh, you’re different”, but because we are us.’

I replied, ‘Yes, and this is why I’ve become convinced they don’t exist, in at least a compatible form, one who still has the caring qualities of a girl. I think they can’t coexist, those similar qualities plus the caring, empathetic qualities of a girl. They’re two ends of a spectrum.

Well, the thing is, from the things I did show [my 2014 girlfriend] and [my 2017 girlfriend], they did love me for those things. For example, [the 2017 girlfriend] always finds it cute when I take her non-understandable “jokes” seriously.

That’s an inherent quality of me that I can’t control, so I don’t blame them entirely. They like some things that are inherently me, but I always get weird reactions for the deeper stuff.’

My friend replied, ‘I get loved for similar reasons. It reminds me exactly of what happens to me. Apparently, I’m so stiff and serious and corporate.’

I replied, ‘Yes. Of course, when I introduce myself to a girl, I withhold all the weird stuff I can and only present with the weird stuff I can’t control, and I eventually introduce the other weird stuff further down the line,

but it means they see me as this fluffy, cute, perfect figure who’s all caring and girly like them, but I’m not, and when I introduce ideas that break that image of me, I can only imagine they get weirded out, but I know that if I introduced them at the start, they would’ve never liked me, so it’s a lose-lose situation. It seems there are some things about me I’ll never be able to tell.

We both have to put on a show for girls; you know this well, but we should be able to break it down down the line, but it seems we can’t. We never can, never can reveal more than, say, 60% of ourselves, and this is just talking about the stuff we know is weird about ourselves. What about the stuff we don’t know is weird? Like I was saying earlier, it’s a Pandora’s box.’

My friend replied, ‘Yes. That is what happens to me. I come across as the cutest, most innocent, fluffy, caring guy.’

At age 19, I stated:

‘When I was talking to [my 2017 girlfriend], and she was questioning and challenging me about how I’d act if she wore makeup, it really caused me to delve into my views on it further than I ever have before and confirmed that it’s a complete aversion.

I was having to say how I wouldn’t want to be seen with a girl with it at all. I would not kiss a girl with makeup. I couldn’t. I could not validate such behaviour, show love to such behaviour. I could not be an enabler. I would not want such substances sticking on me, ever, in any way.’

My friend replied, ‘Imagine tasting it.’ I replied, ‘Exactly. I did that. I think I told her that.’

At age 19, my friend stated:

‘I often find that a girl asks a question, and it’s impossible to answer without stating what I really think, without breaking from the persona, and it would not go in line with everything else that I’ve said, smaller things that I’ve been able to fake or mask, especially when I have a very strong and coherent view on it that answers all her questions. … They’ll never understand the situation.‘

I replied, ‘Exactly, exactly what I meant about it deadlocking a conversation, deadlocking a chat. I hate it. I hate when normal people have to come out with all these normal, horrible questions, which you already know about: food, music, films, books.

Think about this: think about how no normal person would ask about opinions on alcohol or smoking. Think how sad that is. It would just never come up, until maybe months later. It’s always we who have to bring that stuff up.’

My friend replied, ‘It’s funny, because I see it as a dramatic shutdown [when they ask those questions]. Everything dramatically powers off.‘ I replied, ‘Exactly, exactly, exactly.’ My friend continued, ‘And it makes a power-down noise, engines and fans stopping.’

I replied, ‘It’s like a game of chess that’s going smoothly, then you’re put in check, and you have to stop and calculate, and then quite often, you make a move and are put back in check again, until it goes nowhere at all, and that’s checkmate.’

My friend replied, ‘It’s more like the roof caved in on the game and obliterated the board and table.’ I replied, ‘Hahahahaha.’

As an example, I sent a screenshot of a girl who had said, ‘I love concerts :3′. I had replied, ‘Oh interesting. I would find concerts too loud and busy.’ She replied, ‘So [would] I, but I couldn’t miss [a] concert of my favorite rock band :3 And live music is so much better. it’s awesome c:’.

I stated, ‘Here’s one example.’ My friend replied, ‘Yes, not good. That was [like a girl I knew].’ I replied, ‘What happened there?’ My friend replied, ‘Can’t remember, because it is a lot of girls.’ I replied, ‘Hahaha.’

My friend continued, ‘[Another girl I knew] was really bad, because she said she screams at concerts. It was a nail in her coffin.’ I replied, ‘Oh god, screams at concerts. What in the fuck?’

My friend replied, ‘That’s the worst of the worst. What you’ve shown there is just medium.’ I replied, ‘Yes, but you know, it all depends on how easily you are able to work your way around what they’ve said and progress to a point where they understand you more and are okay with you more, and I couldn’t do that there.’

I continued, ‘She clearly has no concept. I’m tired of expending energy on people who will just never get me, are nothing like me. I have to be madly infatuated, madly, for that to happen now.’

At age 19, my friend stated, ‘That shocks me, the amount of guys who would approach a girl with makeup and Snapchat filters.’

At age 19, my friend stated to another person:

‘… The ironic thing is that they employed more effort to do so. It required money, time and effort to buy makeup and all these cosmetic products or fashion items and apply them, when I ask for nothing, literally nothing. I ask for the least effort imaginable.

They could not shower for 1,000 days and wake up and take a photo, and it would look 1,000x better than any unnatural one, would get tonnes more feelings and tonnes less disgust.’

At age 20, I stated, ‘Being with a girl who wants a cat would involve indirect contact [with the cat], because the girl will be hugging and kissing it and then doing the same to you. Just any girl with that pet mentality, I could not tolerate at all.’

At age 20, I stated, ‘[Pets were] a major factor that led to the end of my [3-year] relationship, a major, major factor. It crippled the chat constantly. She’d constantly show me her dog, or some physical contact she’d have with it, and I’d express my disgust and be met with a sad response. I cannot be with a girl who likes pets, and that is that.’

At age 19, my friend stated, ‘I just know I can’t put up with that animal. I know deep down that I wouldn’t be able to have a long-term relationship, so I don’t know why I speak to them. I could never be with a girl that wants a dog, because it’s a nonsense mindset, for all the reasons stated earlier. I just can’t be with a dog. Dogs make me feel sick.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I’ve seen too much now. A reverse effect has now occurred. I was naive in 2014, and it allowed me to feel the best love I ever had. Now, all pools are closing. I’d now need a lot of convincing that any girl is worth my time, tonnes.

It’s a huge shame, a ridiculous shame and a situation I never wanted. Most of the strongly held views I have, I’m not proud of at all, because I feel like they arose out of a situation that should never have been the case in a sane world. I’m not proud about disliking practically every person in existence. I hate this situation. I wish people were better. My thinking should not be remarkable. It really shouldn’t [and isn’t in the animal kingdom].

The reason someone cheats is because they’re losing feelings for the person they’re with, such that they’re practically not with them anymore in their mind and are just dragging the relationship on reluctantly. My policy became that if I feel like I am dragging a girl along and want another girl, I should just end it.

I now know that there will be reasons why I don’t feel feelings anymore. I know all the reasons with [the 3-year girlfriend]; funny thing was, we were both doing it to each other, talking to other people at the same time. I should just not put up with it anymore, because I know there can and should be better, not in terms of the girl talking to other boys; I mean, there should be a girl I will not be able to do anything wrong with, because I’ll love her so hard.

I caused [my girlfriend] to talk to other boys. I know exactly why. Everything was sunshine and rainbows until [she] began deteriorating in 2015. Suddenly, Snapchat filters appeared. I started complimenting less. That’s why I can’t blame her, and I can’t blame myself. I went looking for other girls same as she did boys.

The issue at the root of it all was the trend-following mentality that got revealed to me. If that had never happened, if I could relate to a girl, I could love them fully and have absolutely no reason to go looking for someone else.

And obviously, it’s got to a point where I don’t even start relationships, because I don’t even bother, because the red flags are just too much. Many things can be construed as links, many things: loving pets, loving art, loving rap music. Many things are red flags of the trend-following mentality, or social emotional mentality. The green flags are nowhere to be seen.

The red flags were present in [this girlfriend] and many other girls in my history. They form a distinct pattern, very, very rigid and reproduceable.

It’s that I used to think my ideal was reasonable and met girls I thought met it, but then I later watched them fall apart around me, and now, every girl is extremely far from the ideal, age playing a minor but still important factor, because more girls are drinking alcohol now, for example. I see no point or beauty in imagination anymore.‘

At age 20, I stated:

‘I haven’t found anything remotely tolerable in the past year.’ My friend replied, ‘I’m sick of weighing all the people up against each other when they’re all shit.’ I replied, ‘Yes.’

I continued, ‘I sometimes question myself why I’m looking in certain areas. … I’m imagining there’s some area waiting for me to discover that will be a step up from everything I’ve seen before, but it’s looking gloomy.

I ask myself if I’m even right for looking on social media at all. I question whether I’d do a certain thing that I see these girls do, because I’m hardly on social media anymore. I question whether I’d be okay with myself looking like that.

That course of intuition is usually 100% right, and my first hunches are proven right about every girl in that regard, but then I wonder how all other boys do it, what it is they’re seeing or being able to put up with, and I wonder why I’m not able to, and then I try and make headway with a subpar girl and am proven right all over again.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I’m struggling to find the motivation to [put on a caring persona to a girlfriend]. That’s the main thing that prevents them being a long-term, viable option in my mind. All the regular issues, and then some, are there, all the red flags. I struggle greatly to put on that persona and hold it up. There are certain things my conscience won’t let me say, my dignity won’t let me say, even though it’s expected in the moment.

If I’m fully in love with the girl, it becomes easy, but I can’t feel true love again, because I’ve discovered the meaning of red flags. I hadn’t back in 2014, which was the only and strongest time I’d ever felt real love, because I was blind to all that, hadn’t discovered it yet.

I can’t see myself loving them strongly enough to uphold the persona. It’s not even the number; it’s the areas they’re in, the specific areas, the forbidden areas: makeup, alcohol, drugs, pets. They’re only considered red flags because they’re in those horrible areas. I wouldn’t care if the girl had a million issues in other areas. It’s a very specific set of areas, all bound by social thinking, in which I have a problem. It stops it being long-term for me.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I’ve lost the ability to get mad feelings, because every girl has been a write-off due to views. I know I could get mad feelings if half the girls I’ve witnessed had better views, but it’s been 0, and now, because I know red flags, I know when people will be unbearable, and it’s been all of them, basically. I haven’t had proper feelings for a girl in years, and views have been the barrier.’

I later stated, ‘You know, it’s the fact so many girls have the potential to be 8+s [out of 10], because that’s how much views matter. That’s how much no makeup and modifications make a difference. I could be extremely attracted if that very girl never wore makeup or fashion and had amicable views, just by that mere fact alone, her rarity. It would be a huge turn on.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I feel totally lost for a girlfriend, totally depleted. I feel like I’ll never be able to put up with them ever again, but I still want to be able to put up with a girl and be able to enjoy my time with them, but I can’t anymore.

Everything about me is offensive. Every little view I have jabs at some part of someone else, like the person I’m talking to. It’s totally suffocating.

Everything I think undermines the very nature of someone else or the person I’m talking to. I’m antithetical on almost every single degree and parameter, not even lesser or neutral; antithetical, diametrically opposite, holding the exact opposing view.‘

At age 20, I stated:

‘Literally everything I reject about a girl is that which is not her: foreign pathogens, foreign clothing, foreign trends, foreign subcultures, foreign ornamentation such as makeup and piercings, and yet, she takes offence on those things’ behalf, because she is but a relay of them.

That is the human’s purpose, to be a relay of those things and not an individual person, so you’re offending the relay. You’re offending her life purpose.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I can’t have a relationship with someone I can’t speak about hard-hitting subjects with. It would just be an anatomical affair.

Once something like that crops up, it seals the relationship’s deal as being a short-term thing. It completely caps its longevity. I instantly envision the time I’ll no longer tolerate speaking to the person and will just ghost.’

At age 20, I stated, ‘Being an animal must be so easy to find a mate. No wonder, when no one’s caked in makeup and drinking alcohol. I feel like I’m an animal trying to find a mate in a human and finding them all to be evolutionarily unfit.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘This girl continues to like every one of my uploads. Part of the reason I haven’t messaged her or followed back is the inevitable offence and stalling of the chat.’

I later stated, about another girl, ‘To be honest, she’s been the closest thing to ideal in a while, very few obnoxious things on her profile. I never initiated though, as usual, because I just expect something to come up. She’s a girl; she’ll probably be all over pets, for example, or be all empathic and cry at news tragedies.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I want to compliment [my 2019 girlfriend’s] lack of wearing makeup, but I know – I just know – it will be taken badly, or, at least, there won’t be that corroboration of resentment for makeup and makeup-wearers, none whatsoever.

It’s the only reason I hadn’t, only reason I don’t, ever. It’s depressing, not being able to just freely say that and get an agreement.’

At age 20, in response to a third person in our group chat, I stated:

‘I don’t even bother thinking about other people’s love. It’s not love to me, really, the things people do. There’s no point even considering any casual sexual relationship, which is what everyone seems to do at least once. Obviously, girls get asked out way more than boys, but I have the same issue you and [my friend] have in that I never see a long-term future with girls.

I never see myself being able to put up with the ones I’ve seen so far. Even when I’ve had crushes in the past, even online relationships, I’ve been greatly disappointed by the person months down the line, and I don’t even mean cheating; I just mean they turn out to be someone they’re not. I just end up being unable to put up with the girl.

There are things regular people talk about that completely put a stop to the chat, regular-people things and conventions, like going out to places or watching films, and I just can’t respond, because I don’t relate, or something’s a huge source of anxiety.’

The third person replied, ‘They have perverted the meaning of love.’ I replied, ‘There are a lot of things they’ve perverted.’ My friend replied, ‘Yes, that’s general people, which is why I want to get away from them. I sit there cringing and not speaking.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I’m very cursed lol. It’s these feelings I’ve lost, and I don’t even know if it’s conditional anymore. I’m only learning about it second-hand. I don’t know how it behaves [due to romantic love being a social-mindset feature, whose reasonings are not subjectively comprehensible]. I’m only going based on the external evidence, that my feelings have got less and less over the years and that I’m being turned off by social-mindset things.

I’ve never had less desire to hold up a persona for girls. It’s only got less and less and less. I’m so drab with [my girlfriend at the time], it’s unreal. I’m not giving it anywhere near what I used to give girls, and somehow, she’s still madly in love with me.

No fantasy can be fulfilled. No ideals matter. They can’t be realised; they can’t be felt. It’s all fake and impossible. It can’t be a fulfilled ideal, because it’s not real. They will never be what I want, no matter how much they look to be doing something right.’

I continued in a voice message, ‘I would be saying that there are girls out there who could fit a certain appearance that… I don’t know, appearance or behaviour that could trigger some sort of overwhelming desire in me, if such a thing were possible, but everywhere I go, it just so happens that my ideal is impossible.

It just so happens that every single girl I come across has something that brazenly violates the ideal, something that can’t be reconciled, something that can’t be made up for. It just so happens.

I mean, you, to this day, are always coming to me with girls you think look good or look promising to have some sort of, even short-term, relationship with, but every time I come across a girl that even triggers any remote feeling in me, which is all they can do at this stage, I have no impetus to message them. I have no drive to contact any girl at this stage. It’s such a bare minimum that I’m doing right now.

The fact I even managed to get [my girlfriend at the time] was such a bare minimum, and I didn’t even do it because I saw anything in her. I just saw that she had posted about [something I was also interested in], and I thought, you know, that’s rare. I could very easily just strike up a conversation about that.

So I posted some comment, and then obviously, I was so not-bothered about it that I just immediately deleted the comment, because I just couldn’t care less, because if she’d said her nationality in her bio, which was not rendering at the time, I would’ve looked silly, and I just didn’t care to look that silly at the time, because I just wasn’t that up for it. I just wasn’t that up for entering into a conversation with this girl, but it just so happened that that was all it took for her to DM me back, and then things just started.

But you know, that is only going to become rarer and rarer as it goes along. My effort was already at that stage, that low, and it’s only going to become lower, at least as far as I can see based on all the evidence, and that’s just the unfortunate predicament I’m in. There is no template that can be fulfilled. There is no girl or group of girls who meets the template. There is no desire left; there’s no magic left; there’s nothing.’

I continued in text, ‘I think you’re dealing with someone very different from all of society when it comes to relationships, at least.’ My friend replied, ‘But what if you knew that her appearance won’t deteriorate come 20?’ I replied, ‘I don’t know. It’s all fanciful. Come 20 and then what, 21? Never? It’s not possible. It’s never going to work like that. They will have all the typical social-mindset practices in some assortment, whatever happens, however long it lasts.’

My friend replied, ‘Do you wish you had what I have then, such that you could still get feelings in light of knowing they have the social mindset, that it wasn’t ruined, that you could still have a full, exhilarating experience?’ I replied, ‘I don’t know, because I can only imagine wanting what I want, tolerating what I tolerate. It’s only right for me.’

I continued, ‘What I tolerate [or what permits someone to be relatable to me and thus allow love] is not just some small emotional circuitry; it’s everything to do with my life, all anxieties I have, all experiences and knowledge I have. It has to be in line with that to an extent.

It is not right for me to tolerate alcohol in a girl, given what I am; it is just wrong. I would not want to tolerate it. All I want is a girl who doesn’t do it and doesn’t do other social practices. I really want my ideal to exist, but it doesn’t.’

My friend stated, ‘It’s hard to explain what I have, because there’s no logic to it, and there are so many parameters and random patterns. It’s hard to explain why I experience what I do, and it’s partially due to me having more of an imagination than you [or more of a social mindset].’

I replied, ‘Who knows? I feel like my ideal is quite clear, but it’s just so unrealistic and unfulfillable. Then again, you’re probably right; once the possibility of your fantasy existing evaporates, there becomes no point thinking about it again, so it literally becomes forgotten, because it’s pointless to think about when it can never exist. It’s just wasted time. I don’t get happy or hopeful or joyful feelings thinking about it.‘

My friend then mentioned in a voice message whether I’d like it if a girl cut off all contacts upon gaining feelings for me, to which I replied, ‘It’s not even that. I don’t like multiple contacts in girls in the first place, so I wouldn’t get feelings for that. It’s me, basically; I am already cut off from all contacts but you, so [an ideal girl and I] would be running off together from what we already simultaneously experience, in the knowledge that we both relate to how that feels.’

I continued, ‘I hate not feeling relatability with anyone, let alone a girl, so a girl would need to have that. I’d need it. I’d need that massive relief, that weight off my shoulders, that breath of fresh air. I’d need it, or there are no feelings.

If I really found out there was nothing like me on the planet… honestly, never mind. My strategy is already changed, and finding that out would change hardly anything. I’d already be resolved and resigned.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘Imagine your perfect partner in 2014, and then imagine they became a wreck by the time it was 2015, doing things that totally contradicted what you knew about them, things that were outright irresponsible and risky, as if it were a totally different person.

That’s how it was for me, and I instantly addressed it all, brought it up and begged for the old version to come back. I didn’t have the feelings anymore. They were killed. I was talking for the sake of hoping she’d turn back. Now, I realise people don’t turn back and that what I saw was just how people are, so I don’t waste my time.’

At age 20, in response to my friend, I stated in a voice message:

‘And that’s the thing, you know; I did have that. If it were 2014, and [my girlfriend at the time] lived nearby, I would’ve gone straight to her house and done all sorts, but I don’t have that anymore. It’s gone. The magic is totally gone. That is the fact. It’s set in stone like that now.

So all the things you’re telling me about you experiencing are things I can only imagine having experienced several years ago, and that’s the thing; that’s why I’m not even that upset that I didn’t even get to experience something like that.

Because yes, when I was going on about how I should’ve got to experience something like that, I realised, basically, that what I was getting butterflies for was indeed based on the lack of the social mindset. What I was getting feelings for was the lack of the makeup, the naturalness, the natural clothes without obnoxious fashion and style and trends. That’s what I was getting feelings for.

I just realised; I just learnt, because clearly, now I’m in such a predicament that I can’t even feel those feelings anymore. I can’t get worked up over girls and have that desire to get with a girl who even on the face of it looks decent, even if they live nearby. I just can’t get worked up over that. I can’t get that desire.’

At age 20, in response to my friend, I stated:

‘I’ve already gone over it. I have normal human emotions for girls I like, but I just don’t like any girls, so they never come out.

It doesn’t have an overriding priority, the emotional drive. It doesn’t override my cerebral logic’s authority over my girl feelings. I can only get feelings when the girl is tolerable in the key areas, and only then, normal human emotions can come out.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I see these periodic flings as windows that test how I’d react or behave with a girl I don’t have [2014]-level feelings for, and it gets worse each time. I become less and less able to tolerate things. I don’t even have the ability to just do certain things with a girl just to see what it would feel like. I really don’t.

I hear other people talk about that, like doing things just to see what it’s like, for example sex, but I don’t have that, so much so that it even extends to kissing. I wouldn’t feel comfortable kissing any girl I don’t have [2014]-level feelings for.

My standards are ridiculously high, my out-of-control standards that are my feelings. On my mind would be all of the germ considerations, and that’s the big, blinking indicator that I don’t have sufficient feelings.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘[My 2014 girlfriend was] a girl I could picture burying my face into, actually wanting to, and not feeling disgust.

They have to be natural; they just have to be. It wins me over. If [my 2019 girlfriend] had a natural hair length and no stupid dye and never wore makeup, I could vaguely imagine feeling like that towards her.

I picture her hair smelling all fabricky and inky, whereas I picture [the 2014 girlfriend’s] hair smelling of her. I don’t want to inhale dye; I don’t want to kiss makeup; I just want to love a girl, just a girl.

[The 2014 girlfriend’s] clothing was also always inoffensive back then; it was always trendless stuff like that. [The 2019 girlfriend’s] clothes follow too many trends. They’re not bad, but I still get that feeling of disgust or cringe.

It’s almost a fear. I get a feeling of fear of associating with them, associating with that. I feel out of my depth and amongst something I cannot understand, a language I don’t understand.

I fear being expected to know things or expect things or think things by virtue of being with a girl like that, with that style, whatever the style may be.

I cannot deal with styles. I need a styleless girl, just a girl, just a fucking girl; that’s all I want, nothing more.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt that sadness again, missing something that doesn’t exist. If I knew it would’ve been this bad now, I would’ve done everything I could to meet [the 2014 girlfriend] then, if I knew the landscape of girls was doomed forever.

But for instance, now, I’d never approach someone with a profile picture like that, or that, or that [three that the 2014 girlfriend had in 2016]. Nothing would ever even start, because I’d never associate with a girl like that.

And that’s the shame of the matter: it’s knowing that they all deteriorate, never last, that you can’t trust any of them, that they shapeshift at will into someone you never even knew, and that unfortunately, all the warning signs are there in plain sight, and that unfortunately, it rules out all people, all girls, as far as the eye can see, anyway.

You just begin to expect, just because you know the statistics. Even if a profile picture is inoffensive, you never expect them to be tolerable. You expect that something will crop up, and you get proven right.

It’s a nightmare world, a true dystopia, there being no one, no one at all to tolerate. It’s my own long experience with [the 2014 girlfriend] that taught me how my inability to relate with dogs or pet-bonding can really impact a relationship.

It’s a scary and damning thought, knowing that that alone can jeopardise a relationship, as it caused a lot of friction. It spells catastrophe for everything else, the “what about everything else” question.

And then knowing that such a person can have a downfall into drunkenness and violent sex with athletes that later gets the whole school making fun of them. What a nightmare.

What it means is that I really do need a girl like me. It proves, through empirical evidence, that that’s the only girl I could tolerate and have a long-term relationship with, one like me, and that doesn’t fucking exist.

So it’s an absolute nightmare world, all the medical evidence weighing down on me, pointing to only males having it, all girls we’ve ever met expressing the social mindset.

It paints an absolutely damning and distressing dystopian picture for our prospects, a hellish one, so I don’t know what to do. I just have to trudge along.‘

At age 20, my friend stated:

‘Someone said to me, “You need a girl who will take you out of your comfort zone”, and I totally disagreed.’ I replied, ‘Who? What a load of old crap.’ My friend stated, ‘I want a girl who has the same difficulties as me. Why would I want to live with that stress?’

I replied, ‘Exactly. That’s what we have feelings for. We have feelings for someone we can get along with. Who knows what they get feelings for?’ My friend replied, ‘But that’s not how it works for most people. They get feelings for something totally opposite to them.’

I replied, ‘It’s like when my mum used to say, “Your girlfriends will leave you” [when rather the converse was true], thinking I would get a girlfriend who wouldn’t tolerate my daily practices, thinking I would have feelings for that.’

My friend replied, ‘Exactly. Well, that just goes to show that that is all they can compute, multiple items of evidence now, that subconsciously, they can only envision getting with someone that will take you out of your comfort zone.’

At age 19, my friend sent a screenshot of a girl who had told him she had cut her hair short and stated:

‘Ridiculous. Why do they do it? It’s like they’re trying to take the piss by doing the most pointless thing imaginable. They are all teasing me in this massive, concerted effort, telling me they cut their hair and saying it doesn’t look any shorter.

What was the point then? It’s this nothingness air. Might as well have cut it with air-scissors.’ I replied, ‘”I can show you if you want”; wtf?’

My friend then sent a screenshot of the girl saying she had ‘loads of split ends’, to which my friend had replied, ‘Meaningless. It’s the same old crap, same old excuses I get for girls cutting their hair.’

I replied, ‘Yes, awful “split ends” crap. I’d actually appreciate “split ends” in a girl, because it’s totally natural and not an issue.’ My friend replied, ‘It means nothing, not an issue at all.’ I replied, ‘Exactly, absolutely frivolous matter.’

My friend replied, ‘Exactly. It’s just their brainwashed excuse that they’re programmed to come out with, whereas in reality, they’re moving closer to that trend.’ I replied, ‘Yes, programmed indeed, programmed to be influenced to do so, completely passively influenced.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘I’m sick of happy-go-lucky people. Everyone on social media is just these bundles of smiles, as if everything’s ok when it isn’t, unfounded faith in everyone.

I do feel like I can’t be serious with a lot of people, like I can’t be my normal, serious self. I feel pressured to put on a show of happiness and jokes and play along with their happy-go-luckiness for risk of offending or alienation, but it invalidates my real views in their eyes, makes it hard or impossible to show them, because they’d directly conflict with the happiness I’m putting on.

It says it all when women always go on about how they want a man who can make them laugh. It’s quite simply not a priority for me, if I were a girl, nor as a boy myself. Also, it comes naturally if the views are right, and you’re the proof.

I don’t need to want a partner who makes me laugh. They will make me laugh if their views align with mine, because we’ll both be taking the piss out of society amongst each other.

To want a partner who will make you laugh as a primary criterion just shows hollow thinking in which the other, more critical things are not in the equation, and therefore that’s all that’s left, just the side effect.

It’s such a petty and trivial thing to want in the face of all other things. Being able to laugh with someone is a side effect of having the right views and being able to take the piss out of society and hating trends and pointless social practices.’

At age 20, I stated:

‘With [the 2014 girlfriend], I still felt like she had a much better understanding [of me] than any girl since then. Obviously, the understanding was obliterated afterwards. There was a very pointless argument in 2018 about why I couldn’t understand her getting a supermarket till job. Don’t even want to go into it. It gave me a headache. Still had the social mindset, so that’s what I’ve realised I now have to avoid to ever have reasonable feelings again.

I didn’t know that back then. I didn’t know that’s what I had to lack, because the bad things hadn’t caught up to me, the inevitable bad ends, inevitable red flags. It doesn’t mean I won’t try going into relationships with social-mindset girls since then; it just means I’ll never have any significant feelings. I’ll never feel a close attachment to them that consumes me on the level it did back then. I will have to trudge it along, but there’ll be so many intolerable issues.’

At age 20, my friend stated:

‘What gives me feelings and what is practical (family, friends) are different.’ I replied, ‘They are tied for me. They’re not the same, but they’re inextricably tied. They correlate with one another such that there’s no other possibility than that they’re tied. That’s what I’ve observed.’

My friend replied, ‘It’s interesting your feelings correlate to friendship and family logic, whereas with me, it correlates with nothing, a subconscious fact.’

I replied, ‘They seem to. I can’t even say for certain, because they’re still feelings, and that is outside my conscious control, but that’s what I’ve observed them to do. That’s how I’ve observed them to behave, externally, from a third-party perspective. That’s what all the evidence shows.’

At age 21, in response to my friend mentioning that a girl with our lack of the social mindset would not activate his feelings, I stated, ‘It would unleash them for me, in full force. Whenever I see a girl in plain black wear and no modifications, I get a brewing of feelings. There’s such a glory waiting to be unlocked in me, and I’ll likely never get it.’

At age 21, my friend stated:

‘I keep getting asked about that by girls, what I think of global warming, what I think of Brexit, what I think of coronavirus.’ I replied, ‘Yes. It’s horrible.’

My friend replied, ‘Why don’t they ask me what I think of the Mfecane war?’ I replied, ‘Exactly. Wasn’t it just called the Mfecane?’ My friend replied, ‘Yes. It wasn’t a specific war, just a period of chaos that caused invasions in Zambia and Zimbabwe from escaping people.’

I replied, ‘It was like the Zemene Mesafint of Ethiopia, happened at around the same time as well.’ My friend replied, ‘What do I think of the Wassoulou empire? Lol.’ I replied, ‘The Toucouleur empire.’

At age 20, my friend stated, ‘It would be funny having a girlfriend to talk about x86 and hardware with.’ I replied, ‘Hahaha, what a ludicrous thought. Trying to imagine that just incites hysteria, hysterical absurdity.’

At age 20, my friend stated, ‘You can see where that conversation’s going. That’s the social mindset, basically, that dreaded conversation course, the stalling of the chat, the social obstacles they’ll put up in the way of limitless communication, all for nothing. … Let me show some examples of the chat where it has stalled, or I’ve struggled. Firstly, she’s used “yeet“. I wasn’t pleased. …’

At age 21, my friend stated in a voice message:

‘I’ve probably seen 500,000 girls from [social-media apps]. In 12,000 girls, I’ve whittled down all the people who obviously had the social mindset to a hysterical degree, so you’re ruling out Snapchat filters, makeup, ridiculous fashion items, clown faces absolutely caked in makeup, obesity.

So when all of that rules out, you only get a few girls remaining. These are girls who have minimal or no makeup, or they’ve got long hair, or they’re talking about more bearable social-mindset things or trends.

So you speak to, maybe, 14 of those girls, let’s say, and all of them might be wearing makeup in photos that aren’t on their profile, or they’ve got this and that [social-mindset] view.

That is where it goes wrong; people assume that even if I state the things that I don’t like in a girl, those girls exist. They assume, and I’ve had that all the time. I’ve had it off girls, claiming that girls without makeup and jewellery exist.

I’ve gone at it at a much more ridiculous magnitude and frequency than you have. That is why the rarest girls we’ve seen have all been from me, so I know the figures, and no one does, and you could tell them all the stuff you don’t like in a girl, and they will claim that those girls exist. They will claim that we must’ve only seen, like, 100 girls, or we “haven’t seen any” of them, because we’re in our rooms; we “haven’t interacted with people”.

I mean, yeah, my nan said, “You’ll never find a girl that doesn’t wear makeup”, but I’ve had this argument all the time, how people claim that I don’t know people and that I don’t know what I want and how rare it is.’

I replied, ‘I’ve never had that, but it’s actually awfully ironic if people say you don’t know people, because they don’t know us. It’s literally what we rant about for a good portion of the site, how it’s literally impossible for people to compute us and always make wrong predictions.

It’s the exact same as the theory-of-mind argument, those with it claiming those without it can’t attribute thoughts/feelings to others. Meanwhile, those with it are unable to attribute accurate thoughts/feelings to those without it, so it’s a hilarious twist of irony.

It’s awfully ironic, and it’s a pity that they don’t see how ironic it is. It’s described in the debate about empathy as an ability; it’s an ability to get things wrong. It’s an ability to get things right about everyone who also has empathy but an ability to get things wrong about everyone who doesn’t, including us, animals and nature, so that’s why it’s wrong to call it an ability.’

My friend replied, ‘Whats worse is that there is a parallel situation running within the social mindset itself. You constantly see people with the social mindset saying to other people with the social mindset that they couldn’t possibly understand what they’re going through, when it’s some cliché of the social mindset you see on TV.

Therefore, when I say it, it is interpreted as all the other people they have seen say it, where it’s turned out that the person does understand after all, and the other person admits it, and it is the case that they do actually know, because it’s something they have actually also gone through and that other people have actually gone through, because they all have the social mindset and therefore will always find themselves in the same appropriated, cliché, simulated situations.

That’s what is so rotten about it; they assume that we must also be that, and then they go about it as such. Basically, there is a whole emulation and simulation of what we are saying within the social mindset itself.

If I said all this, I’m sure people will claim that that’s what people with the social mindset also think about their situation and could also word it in this way, which then makes it a case of who is actually correct about the other person, like you said about schizophrenics and schizophrenics. The only thing we have is that we are actually in line with the objective, external evidence and science, whereas they are in line with other people’s emotions, which is not a basis.’

At age 20, I had stated:

‘Isn’t it always funny how the popular female Instagram accounts in any category always have the most makeup? Doesn’t matter if it’s supermodel, e-girl, emo: the more followers the account has, the more makeup, it seems.’

I later stated at age 21, in response to a screenshot of an Instagram profile, ‘I’ll list the things I don’t like.’ I then circled an earring, a design on a shirt, overlaid pixelated hearts on a photo, the girl smiling, a pet cat, eyebrow and eye makeup, a cross necklace and dyed hair.

I continued, ‘So here you go. Those are all the things that kill my feelings. Without them, and I’d actually be able to have feelings at all, for anyone, and now you see why these apparently popular accounts can never get my attention, why what is popular for others is abhorrent for me.’

My friend replied, ‘Probably the hole in the sleeve as well. It’s unnatural clothing.’ I replied, ‘Fair point, actually.’ My friend continued, ‘I wouldn’t like that design on me. I know I’d refuse.’

My friend continued, ‘That random strand of hair [on either side of the face]: hate that. Why does anyone think that’s attractive? I see it all the time. It’s like they’re an insect with antennae.’ I replied, ‘Yes, agreed.’

I then sent a screenshot of a more popular Instagram profile and circled eyebrow and eye makeup, a septum piercing, a collar necklace, a superimposed photo of pet kittens, fake nails, painted nails, dyed hair, rings and a band name on a shirt.

I continued, ‘These are all the things that stick out and burn my eyes. They burn them. Should’ve circled the pout as well. It did burn my eyes and is a trend. I’ll try grading the next one.’ My friend replied, ‘The nails make me feel sick. Fake nails make me feel sick. It has to be one of the most pointless things ever.’

My friend continued, ‘I don’t like girls with many [Instagram] stories, but what mainly kills it for me is when they’re responding to messages publicly, and they bring up the response on the photo, however they do it, and it features way too many people they know personally, like 100, and they’re saying they love all of them, and some, they’re insulting, and others, they’re telling to message them.’

I then sent a screenshot of an Instagram profile and circled, with varying graded intensities of yellow, amber and red, the anime profile picture the girl had, the many stories she had posted, the use of the words ‘babygirl’ and ‘baby’, the interest in Westernised Japanese culture, an overused VCR filter and a photo of a pet cat.

I remarked, ‘It’s still fantastical how when given free rein, people always choose the most obnoxious captions and photos possible.’

I then sent another screenshot of an Instagram profile and circled the profile picture, which was from a fictional production, the use of ‘kawaii’, the mention of ‘trying to change’ and ‘aesthetics’, the many stories the girl had posted, an up-close photo of her pulling a facial expression, a story featuring ‘drawings’, photos of her dyed, short hair, a skimpy outfit, photos of extensive contact with a pet cat and posters of fictional works on her wall.

I stated, ‘They basically don’t have to have anything good for me to have feelings for them. They just have to have a lack of everything bad.’

I continued, ‘Now, I need to do her old one.’ I then sent a photo of the girl from 3 years prior, in which she had no cosmetics, hair dye or body modifications, had long hair, was wearing a plain, red jumper and had a neutral facial expression. I circled only a necklace she was wearing and two pop-culture items that she had placed on her wall.

I remarked, ‘The only things I can fault with that. Other than that, that photo is phenomenal. It’s absolutely mind-blowing for me. I went through all her photos I had saved, and that turned out to be the best one, no better ones.’

My friend replied, ‘Same things I’d circle. I don’t know why, but it reminds me of your face.’ I replied, ‘It is my face. It’s exactly what I thought when I saw it. I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw myself, my visage.’

My friend replied, ‘It looks like one of your neutral expressions.’ I replied, ‘Yes, exactly, and it’s the neutrality of it. It has to be neutral. If a girl has a neutral face like that, she has about a 100x higher chance of giving me feelings, though obviously dependent on all other red flags. It jumps over one massive hurdle, basically, is what I mean.’

My friend replied, ‘No, you know what? I would retake the photo if that [stuff on the wall] appeared in my photo. I do it all the time, if I catch one of my nan’s or my mum’s pointless ornaments in the background or something on the wall.’ I replied, ‘Yes, me too.’

My friend continued, ‘I could never send a photo with it in, because there’s a focus on it. It draws attention. It then becomes associated with me. It then becomes approved by me. It then becomes meaningful to me.’ I replied, ‘Exactly.’

My friend continued, ‘It then becomes seen by me on a regular basis in their mind. It then enters their thoughts about me. I can’t describe the cringe, but them knowing I know about it makes me cringe, as if I look at it every day. …

It doesn’t matter how many times I tell them I’d rather they wore 0 makeup and not wash for 5,000 days than wear makeup, they still wear makeup.

It’s the same as how people walking past want to see me wearing fashion popular with 99.99% of people. They have a natural inherent anxiety for the non-social mindset, and I have a natural inherent anxiety for the social mindset.’

I continued, ‘It turns out that I can’t find a single photo in my [closest-to-ideal] group that I don’t have anything bad to say about, except those from [my 2014 girlfriend], in which it’s a vast majority. …

It’s so simple, what I like. It’s like they’re throwing a dart straight into the ground when trying to hit a target. It’s like they throw the ball 180° in the opposite direction to the hoop. That’s how bad their aim is, and it’s that consistent, every single time.’

At age 21, I stated:

‘I sometimes find it hilarious how girls never initiate and always expect guys to initiate when they’re the ones with the makeup and fashion.

Makeup is just an abomination, a horrid abomination that seems absurd to even exist and apply to 100% of girls.’ My friend replied, ‘Social-mindset culturisation of original mechanism and axiom. Yes, they’re audacious.’

I continued, ‘The funny part is that I just know for a fact that several girls on my profile are eagerly waiting for me to message them rather than messaging me. Several would start a relationship if I messaged them, but it’s just too bad that they don’t meet standards.

I mean, it’s basically already happened. I’ve messaged girls only to have things escalate straight in the direction of romance before I cut things off due to intolerance.’

At age 21, my friend stated:

‘When I talk to a girl, I either have to put on a complete persona, or I let some things slip, and when I let some things slip, it starts to go downhill; I start to say other things, because I can’t be bothered.

There’s an urge to say who I really am, what’s right and what’s wrong, and literally, it gets to the point where it’s a confused mess, like it was with [a former friend]; he didn’t know who I was. It was a confused, contradictory mess, because there were some things I had to withhold and some things I had to go lightly on.

I could never really get the full picture out, the full extent of the situation, my views, and it just made me look delusional, because they didn’t know what I was talking about, and it just did not make sense; it didn’t line up; other things I’d done had contradicted it.

And that’s the problem; that’s where you end up. It’s either you have to put on a full persona or none at all. It has to be the full display of the lack of the social mindset and every view that you’ve got and how it all falls in line.

There’s no middle ground. As soon as you let that persona slip, it’s like you have to reveal all of it for it to make sense, the things that slip.’

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